Why does a woman fall in love with a woman?
No, do not think, I'm not crazy. And I'm not obsessed with romantic films. It's just ... it's rather difficult ... In general, my life has developed into some strange mosaic.
I am attracted to women! Yes Yes! And I always liked them very much. And it does not bother me at all that I am also female. That's just it greatly confuses society ... Therefore, I hide that I am not indifferent to people of my gender. And so I fell in love with a woman.
It is very difficult from the fact that I fell in love with one of the women. No, not even that. I finally fell in love for real. How to tell her that? I dont know. And is it worth it to say? This woman is my best friend, she is very dear to me even just as a friend. And I don't want to lose her at all. But I know for sure that as soon as I tell her about my feelings, we will no longer be able to see each other, to communicate as before. She is not yet married. She is very smart, and most importantly, insanely beautiful. I will not hope for anything, because I know for sure that the one I love has a normal orientation. And I have absolutely no right to judge her for it.My name is Marianna, my love, really, beautiful name? She is a miracle. She seemed to come down from heaven. And she deserves a lot of human happiness. Therefore, I will not impose my lesbian feelings on her.
Sometimes I get completely lost in my choice, so how can I do the right thing? To forget Marianne - no, it's impossible, I can not ... Can tell her everything ... No, thank you! This option is definitely not suitable. Can you completely stop talking to her? If she was not my best friend, then I most likely would have done so.
I think about her all the time, I fell in love very much, this has never happened to me. These thoughts torment me a lot. How to get rid of these thoughts about her? Sometimes I just hate myself for this weakness! But my hate makes it easier for me not to become. And the fantasies themselves do not disappear anywhere. Of course, I tried many times. But these attempts were all wasted, am I powerless ?! Waste of energy and emotions.
Once I read an interesting story about how two happy lesbians, trying different ways, decided to have a baby. And they even officially registered their marriage. Oh, lucky some, but for some reason not me! And I'm so sorry that I'm not one of them ... No, I do not even envy them. Envy has nothing to do with it.I just want to set an example, real, human, which was really, but not with me.
Yes, I'm a lesbian. And I openly declare to my friends, so that later they will not cause bewilderment and shock. Only from my parents, I hide everything. I do not want to hurt them, they will get the hardest of all this information ... No mother, I think, can survive the fact that her beloved and only daughter is not at all like most people. About the father - it’s scary to think so.
Once I made love to a woman. But at one point, our meetings stopped, since she had been living with another woman for six years and was not going to leave her for me. It was very insulting ... It's a shame, but it does not hurt at all, because feelings like love and affection did not exist for me at that time. All I felt for her was attraction. As soon as her friend left for a business trip, my phone began to break off from calls and SMS. I called and wrote to me the one who, left without her beloved for a while, "overwhelmed" me with passionate letters. But I'm not such a fool to believe her. "Spare airfield" - not my case. I just enjoyed it.But I don’t want to go there any more: this life delays even more than the swamp. I was very good at spending time with her in bed, but I always remembered that it was always good to end quickly.
I even tried to build some kind of relationship with one man. He was the only one of its kind, because I had enough and one. It was so disgusting that I dreamed that all men on earth would simply disappear, and only women would remain. It is a pity, but this is simply impossible. But the men hover around me, as if I'm smeared with honey, and they are bees. Well, how can they be explained that they are not at all interesting to me, they seem to have covered their ears with their hands and cannot hear me at all.
I often and often repeated to my admirers that I was not at all in the same orientation, that they were not going in the direction in which they needed to go. The reaction was all completely different. Many people even thought that this was my joke. Someone just did not believe my words. How often have I tried to change my attitude towards myself, towards others, and just become an ordinary person. I shut myself off from society, tried to forget, got rid of this problem by loneliness. But I missed quite a while: I always gave up.Well, not mine is to be lonely. This state always makes me sick! Like the fact that people are very cruel. I loved a woman! Why can men love her, but I can not? And if it is necessary, then by all means I will prove to everyone that there is a lot of masculinity in me. Only now my evidence means absolutely nothing.
But I love this beautiful girl Marianna very much! And my heart beats only so that I wake up every morning and see her once again an unforgettable time. I'm just happy that I can enjoy her company every day, talk to her ... Having fun talking in our favorite cafe, we don’t even notice the time. Let it fly by! In all directions! It is very important for me that there are such moments for which I want to live so much. I want to be just next to her. I am so pleased to be near my beloved woman, but it is so painful to know that I can never touch her delicate velvety skin. Never ... It is so scary and painful. I want to scream in pain and cry from impotence. I know that there is no hope at all. There is not even a reason for doubting it, and this is obvious.
I do not justify myself, and I do not want anyone to justify me, saying that there is hope ... I just sometimes want to find quite a bit of human understanding in the souls of people. And then there is a huge problem: there are people who are completely soulless to someone else's trouble. "Soulless" people in my understanding are those people who do not know and do not know what love is, real, for whose sake you want to give all of yourself. But there are many such people, judging by their stories ... These people told me a terrible secret: they live with their loved ones, not at all in love, they simply became attached to each other, or found benefit in their second half. What kind of nonsense I am carrying to you here now ... It has long been no secret for anyone, everyone knows it a long time ago! Yes, I do not blame anyone at all, no. I just want you to understand me, though quite a bit. Probably no one will respond positively to my request, but I don’t ask. But I, in one way or another, will always love my Marianna! And I don’t care what people think about me, I’ll just love!
I live for her and will continue to live like this. I will hope, as always, to meet her, I will wait for them. This fact will not prevent our society from living its usual life without interfering with someone else’s life.Who does not agree with me is your problem, my problem will remain with me. For your understanding, I am very grateful. I want to wish you to experience the feeling of beautiful tender love that I feel! The main thing is that it should be mutual, and the rest can always be discussed and solved.