When dad is not around: 7 demons lonely mother

Single mother - from these words often blows despair. In fact, women have long learned to raise babies without someone’s help. But with what exactly Mom has to cope, no one is. We collected their most common fears and problems and asked the psychologist Natalia Perfilieva to give effective advice on how to cope with them.

Many of their married girlfriends do not even know about such experiences and problems. After all, at first glance, all that confronts the difficulties of single mothers is where to get money, with whom to leave the child and how to start trusting men again. But no. It's not just that. Any mother is afraid for her child. A single mom has to be afraid for two, because there is often no one to protect her. Yes, and their own experiences of joy in life do not add ...

How to be a single mother - tips psychologist
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Envy to happy couples

Anna, 24 years old: She came with the child to the playroom in the shopping center. Near the tables, adults sit, watching the kids running around.With the kids, the parents go inside. Well, I'm close to Maxim. I run after him, descend the stairs from the balls into the pool. And there moms and dads. My peers. Happy Catch their son. Laugh, kiss him. And I have a lump in my throat. My son is worse? I'm worse? Why did she get a good husband and dad, but my dad doesn’t even give birthday presents, although a good family had a boyfriend, parents all their lives together ... I can’t look at happy couples, my heart bleeds. Especially if in the yard dad with a stroller. And my Maxim of all men is calling dads ... Is it envy?
Perfilieva Natalia (Perfil`eva Natal`ia)

What you are experiencing is normal. Envy is a destructive feeling, sometimes aggravating negative attitudes towards people. You have no negative. The child is small, so you broke up relatively recently. You, as a young woman, want love, warmth, a strong shoulder nearby, a full-fledged family for a son. You are experiencing heartache, from which you must gradually get rid of. And you feed her! Completely unaware of what is happening with these families. And there are problems and tears. Begin to move away from that which cannot be returned. Consider: you are one with the child. What to do? Become a happy woman and mother.What's next? Diversify your life. Urgently! Sign up for a tango club, buy interesting, educational books, find a hobby. Hammer a void useful. Decide who will sit with Maxim these one and a half hours while you are at the dance. The boy needs a happy mom. A man is looking for special energy in his beloved, and not unrestrained pain and resentment for the whole world.

The child is hurt and there is no one to protect

Alina, 27 years old: Son of five years. Every day comes from the garden bitten and bruised. Talked to the teacher, she said that they themselves were tired of this Misha. See for all is impossible. Zakhar says that the boy teases him and beats him for wearing round glasses. And they call me to the head. It is worth such a daddy-ambal, he saw me and how let's scream: “Once again, your bespectacled man will turn up to my Misha, I’ll already be resolved by bruises and knockouts, did you understand?” I was simply taken aback. The head and the tutor themselves were scared, began to make comments to him, he again: “I said everything and found the address!” I cried all night. And then I started a panic attack. This is only a garden. And what will happen next? How can I protect him?
Perfilieva Natalia (Perfil`eva Natal`ia)

Alina, tell your son to stay away from this child.Let the children learn to call together for help from an educator in such attacks. You can collect signatures of all parents in the group and contact the administration. In the most critical cases, the administration, at the request of the parents of the group, has the right to ask to stop visiting the garden. And remember: you do not live in a forest or on an uninhabited island. Even the father of this boy can be brought to justice. Do not be afraid for the future of your son, invest in him as much maternal warmth as possible. And at 6 years old, you can give the child to the section where there will be a male trainer, so that the boy from childhood will have a good male example before his eyes.

How to be a single mother - tips psychologist
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The child does not want a new dad. I will remain a loner

Marina, 34: I lived alone for seven years! Seven years! And finally met a man. Good, good. My daughter has a father. As a husband - disgusting, but as a father ... Daughter loves him. He takes her once a month to mom. She and her grandmother make dumplings, watch Voronin. For the past year we have been meeting my new man. Katya saw him. And categorically against: “He will not live with us!” My mom says that we should think about our daughter, she is only 9 years old, and not about peasants.
Perfilieva Natalia (Perfil`eva Natal`ia)

There is no need to listen to anyone in these questions, forgive me, but my mother's advice suggests that she brought you up too alone. The child is jealous. This is a frequent occurrence. The girl's life is changing, mom no longer belongs only to her, and the need to share her mother's attention with someone else. And this is someone else's uncle. What to do? In no case do not abandon the relationship. Try not to drastically change the child’s living conditions. Also on Saturdays, go to the park and cinema. Invite children home. Create a situation where a new person will help your Kate with something. Arrange joint games. And say the words of love to her more often.

My child annoys me

Elena, 29 years old: I'm afraid to even think that. But I can not anymore! Daughters are five years old. I am a single mother. With the father of the child, we did not sign, and the problems and life finished our civil marriage. Everything has to be done by itself. And work, and earn money, and engage in the child. All girls have such princesses, my hooligan, screaming everywhere, is a pest in the house. I scream in response. Forces anymore. Nobody wants to play with her in the kindergarten, fights, language shows. When she gets sick, I roar soberly. She always whines, cries, throws books, does not want to take medicine. Here the other day the thermometer threw into the wall.It seems to me that she doesn’t just annoy me, I sometimes don’t like her, especially after talking with a failed husband, when he sends me very far in response to my request to help with money.
Perfilieva Natalia (Perfil`eva Natal`ia)

Elena, you have increasing fatigue syndrome. Fading of forces. When a mother simply gives up due to problems and transfers her own negative to the children, breaking into a cry. You associate your irritation with the behavior of a child who is acting up and not listening. And in fact, this child behaves like this because he feels your irritation. If you have already reached the boiling point, then you need to do something.

You can just scream. Open mouth, nowhere, without a child, into emptiness. Shout out all your problems, give your pain to the larynx. Then exhale and say calmly: I am a good mother, I have a favorite child, I just need to rest. Choose two or three days! Take the baby to her grandmother. And just get some sleep. Look at your daughter not through irritation, but through the prism of love and joy that you have it. You will surely have pleasant feelings. She always forgives and loves you - like no one else can. If it becomes very difficult with emotions, consult a psychologist.

How to be a single mother - tips psychologist
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Not the first freshness and with the child

Catherine, 36 years old: What can I say. Three years one and I'm afraid to meet with men. After a divorce she lost weight rapidly. I got rid of the hated 20 kg in 3 months. But the breast is not at all, the priest sags, stretch marks on the hips after childbirth. Everything is bad. If before marriage I was a beauty, a third size breast, a super body, now it's just awful ... I hate myself. I tried to meet a man, but how can I imagine that I would have to undress, and when he saw the stretch marks, she would say: “What is this?” Well, that's all ...
Perfilieva Natalia (Perfil`eva Natal`ia)

The body of the woman, alas, after birth changes. It is a fact. But it is known that if a man likes a woman, and he knows that she has a child, there can be no close question about “parts of the body”. Hating yourself is definitely not the solution. Sign up for a strip-plastics, dances, trainings for women. You do not need to lose weight, you do not have excess weight. And the body will be different when your thoughts and attitude change. Know yourself again. The problem of stretch marks and a non-sexual body is only in your head.

With me something like that. I'm five years old one

Irina, 35 years old: I really want a relationship! Just awful. I look young, I earn well, I drive a car, I work a lot, I dress fashionably, while I am easy to communicate, and in general,friends say that I am a clever and beautiful woman. I work in the women's team. I go to cafes, cinemas, and city events. But no one gets to know me. Rather, single girls will understand me: those who meet, or some gigolo, or lovers of drinks and fantasize about themselves. I have a daughter. I choose not only a husband, but also a father. But there was no serious relationship. I'm not fussy! Is there something wrong with me?
Perfilieva Natalia (Perfil`eva Natal`ia)

With you all the way. But the pace of life that you choose has its price. These are your resources that are at zero. Home - work - home. Sometimes cafes and movies. You believe that the meeting should happen like a fairy tale. All of a sudden. You drop a handkerchief, it is near, raises ... and it started. You are not 20 or 25. You will be acquainted with you as a busy, working person as you are. He will not even notice the dropped handkerchief. What you need? Take up the running. Walk a little more, leaving the car. Visit the cafe alone. Not with friends. So it will be easier to approach you. Start your interesting correspondence online. Select interest groups, send friend requests. Replenish your resource occupations of any kind. A child is very important. But it seems you are carried away and forgot about yourself.

How to be a single mother - tips psychologist
Photo: Getty Images

I don't care

Mariana, 26 years old: I am very unhappy! No one can help me normally. And I'm alone with the child. Mom only cares about her new husband, to her grandson, she comes only on the weekend. And that calls me on the phone so that I quickly come home, he cries. Sister will bring groceries once a week, play with Makarka, and run. The former husband gets off with alimony from us, but does not want to sit with the child. Summoned grandmother from the village. She stayed a month, and back to the garden. There are girlfriends. They can sit, but not for long. And none have the experience of motherhood, they quickly get tired of a two-year-old. She asked her father to give money for a nanny, he refused, she said that I myself must learn to cope, he already pays me for an apartment and gasoline. Why did people become like this? I do not know how to live!
Perfilieva Natalia (Perfil`eva Natal`ia)

You have to understand one important and very valuable thing for you - NO ONE ANYTHING SHOULD YOU! Fathers abandon their children and do not pay them alimony. Young grandmothers arrange their lives. And they have the right to do so. Your sister is clever! She brings you products. Father helps financially. Offended by an old grandmother in general is extremely wrong. Your friends help you, and you blame them for their ineptitude. In my opinion, you, like a single mom, it all came together not so bad.Do not you think that the developed system “everyone needs me” will soon lead to the fact that you will be left without help, friends and support? Learn to take responsibility on your shoulders. This is your child. This is your life. You are responsible for it. And not the village grandmother and ex-husband.