How to Find a Queer Relationship in High School
Dating in high school is hard for everyone, but the stakes are even higher when you identify as a queer teen. You know you want to enter into a romantic relationship, but you’re not sure where to start. Figuring out your romantic options may be challenging when almost everyone you know is straight identifying, but it’s not impossible, and if you continue to put yourself out there, eventually you will find a person to share your soul with.
Meeting Other Queer Teens in High School
Decide whether or not you want to be out.Deciding to come out to your friends and family is a big step forward, but it's not necessarily one you have to make right now. If you feel comfortable coming out, do it. You will find people who love and support you and it will also be a lot easier to find and enter into a queer relationship.
- If you don't feel comfortable coming out yet, that's okay too! The most important thing is to come out when you feel ready.
- If you're looking for a compromise, come out, but only to your closest friends and family.
Join your high school’s LGBTQ group.If your school already has an LGBTQ club, getting involved is an easy way to meet and surround yourself with fellow queer teens. Not only will you find a support network within the group, you will have access to fellow students who are already out, and, like you, presumably looking for a relationship.
- If your school does not have an LGBTQ club already in place, consider working with an advisor to start one.
- Even if you don’t click with anyone in your club, chances are your friends have their own gay friends. Try to meet as many as you can and see if you find someone you’re attracted to.
Get involved in your school’s music and art program.Many theater and art programs value diversity, allow for creativity, and give people a chance to escape the problems in their everyday lives. By auditioning for plays, joining your school’s chorus or volunteering for stage crew, you put yourself in a position to potentially meet other gay teens, plus, you may avoid much of the homophobia that is traditionally found in more mainstream high school experiences.
- As you continue to get involved in theater and the arts, look for programs outside your high school to extend your network.
- Keep in touch with your older friends after they graduate. Visit them at college and meet their friends – you may click with someone you meet on campus.
Do the things you like to do.Statistically speaking, there are other gay teens in your high school – they just might not know it or feel comfortable talking about it yet. Pursue the things you love in high school and chances are you’ll meet another gay teen who is similarly interested in the things you care about.
- If you’re already out, you may find that closeted gay teens flock to you, simply because you’re approachable and represent something they desperately want. Be a good friend to them and it may turn into something more.
- If you’re not out, don’t worry. Come out when you’re comfortable and use this time to focus on your studies and developing your personality.
Meeting Other Queer Teens Outside of High School
Make queer friends online.The Internet is an amazing tool and it has revolutionized how gay people can connect. Use Tumblr and Twitter to find people with similar interests as you. If you look up to a celebrity who is out, you might have luck meeting gay teens in the comment section of their YouTube or fan page.
Visit a big city.If you live in a small town, statistically speaking there are other gay people there, but there are probably not many. By visiting a big city, you open yourself up to way more options, plus, you get to see how diverse the world actually is.
- If you live close to the city, try going in once a week to take a class and hang out. The more time you spend there, the greater the chance you’ll meet someone.
- If you live farther away, plan a vacation with either your family or your friends. Visit traditionally gay neighborhoods, where you’ll sometimes find youth centers that are designed to provide support for gay teenagers.
Go to concerts for gay musicians.There’s no such thing as gay music, but there are bands and singers that have large gay followings. Buy tickets to a show and try to make friends there – you already have the music in common, so right off the bat you have something to talk about.
- If the band is a local band, make friends with the musicians. Then you’ll have a reason to keep coming back, plus, they’ll be able to introduce you to their own gay friends and fans.
Taking Your Friendship to the Next Level
Start flirting.Once you have met someone you’re interested in, the next step is to take the relationship up a notch. Start with some gentle flirting to get a sense for where your crush is at – if they aren’t interested, no big deal. At least now you know.
- For some easy flirting, make eye contact, but hold the eye contact a little too long.
- Get physically close to your crush – if they don’t back up, they might be into you.
Ask if you are not sure is someone is interested in you.If you've flirted with your crush, but you're still not sure if they're into you, just ask. Even if they say no, they're bound to be flattered that you're into them. And if they are into you, they'll be thankful that you were brave enough to make the first move.
- If your crush is into you, it's time to introduce touch. A simple touch can tell you a lot about what your crush is feeling towards you and if you have chemistry together.
- If your crush is not into you, don't hold it against them. They can't help who they're attracted to.
Ask your crush out.If you feel comfortable that your crush is also gay and also into you, then it’s time to make your move. Ask your crush to get coffee after school, or to hang out at your house and watch a movie. Start slow – you’re still getting to know each other.
- If your crush turns you down, that’s okay. You may have misread the signs, or maybe they just got scared. Whatever the reason, it’s not the end of the world.
- Just because your crush isn’t into you romantically doesn’t mean you have to cut them out of your life. If you were friends before, go back to being friends.
Don’t date someone just because they are also gay.This is one of the hardest lessons to learn. You’ve gone through so much – you’ve found a fellow gay teen, you flirted and you successfully asked them out. But if it’s not working, don’t stay in the relationship. You’ll soon learn that the world is full of people just like you and one of them may be a better fit.
- Don’t be scared of being alone – it won’t always be this way. But sometimes, being alone is better than being with the wrong person.
- Keep your chin up. Breakups are hard, but listening to music and letting yourself feel your feelings can make them easier.
QuestionMy parents are homophobic, and I'm bisexual. What do I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerTry explaining things to them and see if you can persuade them to be more accepting. Carefully listen to their reservations and concerns as well -- communication isn't a one-way street. Then give them space to think about it. They may not adopt the perspective you hope -- not right away, maybe not ever -- but that doesn't mean they don't love you.Thanks!
QuestionHow do I hide my girlfriend from my parentswikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerPretend like she's just a friend.Thanks!
QuestionI have a friend. I like her so much,and I just wish I could be with her. She could be interested, but comes from a homophobic culture. Is it selfish to make a move knowing her parents would hate it?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerNo. What's most important is that both of you are happy, and her parents shouldn't try to stop that.Thanks!
QuestionI'm in middle school and I can't find a boyfriend, what do I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerDon't rush a relationship. Just get out there and meet people. It's always better to be friends before having a relationship anyway, so you know the person well. Even if someone doesn't seem to be a potential boyfriend, you never know, he might set you up with someone.Thanks!
QuestionHow can I figure out my sexuality?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerIt takes time to figure out your sexuality. Don't worry too much about coming up with a strict label for yourself. Instead, just be patient and take note of how different people make you feel. Eventually you'll start to see patterns in the sexes of the people you're attracted to, whether it's just one or both or neither.Thanks!
QuestionHow can I tell if a girl likes girls?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerIt helps to be out and proud. If a girl who is queer is aware of your orientation, she may be more likely to tell you herself. Granted, that is not always an option and not really a way to tell, but it's a way to find out.Thanks!
QuestionI'm a gay male, and I don't like any of the out gay people at my school, they're a bit over the top. I'm really into this one dude who I'm 95% sure will not like me. How do I deal with this feeling?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerIf you mean you don't think he would like you because you're sure he's straight, you should find someone else. At least socialize with the other gay people at your school, you never know who their friends, friends of friends, etc. might be. If you think the guy you like is just "out of your league," you should tell him how you feel. You're probably just being hard on yourself, and you won't know how he feels until you ask.Thanks!
QuestionI started dating a friend. He says he loves me, but I only kissed him and asked him out to prove to myself that I could. If I break up with him, he could go back to self harming. What do I do?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerYou took advantage of him, and you should apologize. Tell him you're sorry, but you don't have those kinds of feelings for him and you'd like to go back to just being friends. It would be even worse to continue pretending you want to be in a relationship with him. If you're really concerned he will self harm, tell an adult, as that is a serious situation you can't handle on your own.Thanks!
QuestionMy best friend is straight and she wants to kiss me to see if she feels anything for me since I like her. If things work out for us, is it okay to have sleepovers with her not letting our parents know we are dating? And how would we date at school (she wants to keep it quiet)?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerThe sleepovers thing is really up to you. As for keeping your relationship quiet, simply pretend you are still friends in front of others, and keep the romance to your alone time. If she doesn't feel anything for you, it will be hard to get over her, so mourn appropriately, only dating if you are comfortable.Thanks!
QuestionHow do I get a girl to like me without anyone knowing?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerYou shouldn't be afraid to come out as LGBT, however I know what it's like to be scared of people judging you for your sexuality. An easy method to get a girlfriend could be to become close friends with another girl. Make sure to take it slow and when you are ready, you can ask her if she is bisexual, bicurious, lesbian, etc. If she is, you can ask her out and hopefully she will say yes. Just make sure that the girl is comfortable with keeping your relationship private.Thanks!
To find a queer relationship in high school, consider joining your school's LGBTQ group, where you can meet other people who are out and possibly looking for a relationship. If you're not comfortable dating someone from your own high school, or if you don't mind doing long distance, try connecting with gay people online through sites like Tumblr and Twitter.
Video: 8 Unique LGBTQ Dating Problems
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